REVIEW: Hollow Man 2
Christian Slater is a genius.
If Hollow Man 2 had a subtitle, it would have been "Christian Slater makes an ass-load of money for 5 minutes worth of work".
Not since No Retreat. No Surrender. have I seen such blatant exploitation of an actor's marketability (i know that is a stretch for both Slater and Van Damme) for a minimal amount of screen time. Slater appears in Hollow Man 2 for little more than 5 minutes of this film, in two separate scenes. After that the rest of the movie is his voiceover. Even on the making of Hollow Man 2 (yes I sat threw the special features... Bad Movie Knight Note: The 'Making Of's" or "Bonus Materials" on some of these gems are even funnier than the shitty movie themselves. Is there anything better than listening to a group of untalented assholes talk about how they made a horribly unwatchable piece of crap film? Certainly not!) there is a guy wrapped up in typical Invisible Man garb (face wrapped, sunglasses, gloves) with Slater's voiceover. I don't think he even spent the time to sit through the special edition, so he voiced it in! How great is that. Again. Slater = genius.
Hollow Man 2, attemptes to take off from where the original left off, which is to say, the main character is invisible, and typical of all transparent man, he's an asshole. No origins or genesis set-ups in the sequel however as we jump right into the action and see (or dont see rather) Christian Slater's character, Michael Griffin attacking an intoxicated man at a black tie affair. The attack is the bench mark for special effects in this film as we see a guy essentially throw himself around a room ala Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead (which was top notch for the record). Griffin carries the man into a bathroom and attempts to glean information from him through force. The intelligence he is attempting to gather is how to obtain a medication that keeps our invisible friend from dying. Griffin learns that he can obtain the formula from Dr. Maggie Dalton, and quickly dispatches the drunk by slashing his throat with a cell phone chip... huh?
The police act rapidly to stop Griffin, by sending a capable pair of officers to the residence of Dr. Dalton to protect her from Griffin. Detective Frank Turner (played by Peter Facinelli... I've seen this dude around before, he kinda looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and that dork turned bad-ass driver in Christine) and his partner (her name is irrelevant, as I have no idea who she is, and more importantly dies 3 minutes into this gem) are on a stakeout / mission to serve and protect. Griffin shows up, and is unsuccessful in his bid to capture the doctor, but doesn't leave her home without killing the female detective. Her death turns into the standard plot point that drives all of these shitty bad movies.
"He killed my partner. It's personal now!"
Insert the plot from Terminator here. The remainder of Hollow Man 2 is Griffin hunting down Turner and Dr. Dalton. I shit you not. After several failed attempts, Griffin finally captures the doctor and forces her to recreate the medication he needs to survive. Unbeknownst to him Detective Turner got a hold of the invisibility formula and decides to use it on himself to battle Griffin. THis for the record is the dumbest part of the movie. How does turning invisible help you fight a guy who is invisible? You still can't see him jackass. That's like firefighters showing up to a four alarm call with flame throwers.
In any case, Turner and Griffin do battle in an action packed finale. Griffin is tricked by the good Doctor however, and rather than receiving his medication was dosed with rat poison (available in most medical laboratories by the way).... and in case you didn't know.... rat poison makes you visible. Yes! We finally get to see Slater! He actually is in this film (he did appear briefly in the beginning of the film, when they showed him receiving the iinital injection to become invisible. Turner's invisiblity final proves worth something, and after exchanging blows, he cuts off his head with a shovel.... the only way to kill an invisible man.
Hollow Man 2 is a bad movie, but not as bad as I would have hoped. It's somewhat entertaining, and as much as his career has fallen apart, Slater can still act. Everyone else in this movie... not so much. The 'Making of Hollow Man 2' in the special features section is outstanding however, and is a must see. Get it see?! See! Invisible? I'm here all week!
Hamlin Grade: 4
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 12, 2008
REVIEW: Beowulf
Beowulf. Sounds like the name for some unnatural sex act a Brit would order while visiting a downtown Berlin leather bar.
"Cheerio mate, I'll have me a Beowulf!"
"Would you like shit in the mouth with that sir?"
"Would I! Soil me like a set of unbrushed dentures lad!"
"Right away sir!"
"Top Notch! TOP NOTCH I SAY!"
So what is Beowulf really? Beowulf is a giant German queen that enjoys shitting in the open mouths of English queens!
Ok seriously. Beowulf, is one of the earliest tales ever written. The original sword and sorcerery fantasy (not counting the Bible of course) that weaves a yarn about a legendary warrior, called on to save a Kingdom from a monster named Grendel. The story is actually half-way decent (I'm referring to the written work in this case), if you can manage to get past the Old-English it's written in.... man you guys talked like douches back in the day.
Director Robert Zemeckis, chose to bring the story of Beowulf to life through animation rather than live-action. An unusual tactic, but with the state of computer graphics being what they are these days, perhaps he could pull it off (after all he did bring us never-ending joy through the on-going adventures of Marty McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy).... or perhaps not.
While the CGI in Beowulf is pretty good, it's still a bit off. What really confuses me, is why spend all the time and money to create this feature through animation, if you were going to make the animated characters look exactly like the individuals that were providing the voiceover. Beowulf sports an impressive cast as well. SIr Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Angelina Jolie and Brendan Gleeson (he played Hamish, the giant red headed fella in Braveheart, who tossed rocks at Mel Gibson..... unfortunately for us, he stopped). Amazing actors all that provide ample support for the star of this film.... Ray Winstone. Huh? Yeah, let that sink in real good for a minute.
Who the fuck is Ray Winstone? That is the million dollar question. We may never know, however I will let you know what Mr. Winstone isn't. A competent actor, who's career is largely one of voiceover work, and is unable to command the presence necessary to stand side by side with an Anthony Hopkins or John Malkovich, nor is he able to carry a film as the leading role. In Beowulf, Winstone is terrible. Wooden, stiff, unemotional. Yes there are those who would say this personified the character Beowulf, and his true nature, but you are assuming that Winstone made these choices. I think rather this was all he could muster in his limited acting abilities.
You would think I would pan this film for such a casting choice, but rather that do so, I celebrate. Beowulf is borderline bad movie magic. One shitty actor, surrounded by amazing actors. Can you do better than that? Yes you can, because the acting of Beowulf was so poor, that the animators actually had to animate the character to match the thespians skills (or lack thereof) as well. Brilliant. Just brilliant!
The animation in Beowulf is really top notch. Aside from the intial wierdness at seeing famous actors as video game characters in medieval clothing, it's an entertaining film. Throw in the lead actors shitty acting and an awesome battle scene with a giant dragon (which they stole directly from the Bible... remember when Jesus slayed the dragon and saved the Jews?) and you have a bad movie worthy of your viewing.
Hamlin Grade: 6
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
March 10, 2008
Shooting the Shit with Shat
The Best Bad Movie Lines EVER.
When an amazingly gifted writer scripts a near perfect collection of words, and they are delivered by an actor of the same level of skill as the aforementioned scribe.... we are blessed with an epic movie quote. These cinematic lines, regardless of their length, often become larger than the movie they appeared in, and resonate for decades.
The same can be said for the Bad Movie Line. The exact opposite of the above. Take a horrible writer, have that individual scribble an unreadable and grammatically imperfect sentence then hand it off to an actor unworthy of starring in a Romanian snuff film and you get.... perfection.... but of a different sort. You see, sometimes the stars and moon align, and give us something uniquely special. I myself have been fortunate enough to forge a few epic lines.... and countless bad movie lines, thus I deem myself an expert. That being said, I nominate the following bad movie lines as a few of the greatest of all time.
"So. It is you. The son. Is it not?"
No Retreat, No Surrender
I could have taken any line from this classic and thrown it against the wall and it would have stuck like a corn-riddled dump. No Retreat, No Surrender is Hollywood magic at it's finest, even though it was filmed in a shitty little suburb of Seattle. The marketing for this film is brilliant. Jean Claude Van-Damme as the star. Like I said brilliant. One small flaw in that plan. Van-Damme is hardly in this film. If you get up to take a piss while watching it, you will miss him. However if you are able to sustain that desire, you will hear Van Damme's epic quotation. Actually it is Van Damme's only line in the feature. Barely able to speak English, he takes a break from kicking the shit out of a teenager to deliver his bad movie rhetoric.... "So. It is you. The son. Is it not?" It's difficult for me to cast aspersions at Van Damme because I probably couldn't have spoken that line much better myself. If anything I would have added a few more pauses.... for dramatic effect.
"What does God want with a starship?"
Star Trek IV: The Final Frontier
What list that celebrates bad movie lines would be complete without one of my legendary utterances? This line of course has a special place in my cholestrol clogged heart as the film it appeared in was my directorial debut..... it also slammed the coffin closed on that chapter of my professional career as I was never allowed to sit in the director's chair again.... but who need's that seat when you command a Starfleet Vessel? Exactly. In any case, this bad movie line is when yours truly threw down his verbal chops and debated God, or what we thought was God. If not for a sizeable pair of nuggets swinging between the shaven thighs of one Captain Kirk, the Enterprise and all hope would have been lost. "What does God want with a starship?" What indeed.
"SLAVES are made in such ways!"
Braveheart
Yes even the defender of the Jewish faith, Mel Gibson drops a bad movie line from time to time. Granted, not all bad movie lines appear in bad movies, or are delivered by bad actors. On occassion one of these gems get's past everyone. Fortunately, Mel directed Braveheart and naturally assumed that all his lines were beyond criticism, or revision and we couldn't agree more. During a lovely tent scene with the future Queen of England, a negotiation has gone sour with William Wallace (Gibson). The Princess offers Wallace gold, and titles, and declares that "Peace is made in such ways", to which Wallace retorts sharply "Slaves are made in such ways!" If only he had reviewed his dailys a second time and seen how ridiculously over the top he shoved that line down the audience's throats we wouldn't be here now. Thankfully, Mel's ego came through for us.
"Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!"
War Games
Ahhh the threat of Nuclear War! Remember the 80's when doom was just around the corner? War Games was one of many films that tried to cash in on our fear by giving us a 'what if' glimpse at World War III. Nestled within War Games is a beauty of bad movie line, that appears in the opening minutes of the film. Deep within an underground missile silo, to military men, sit at the controls of a nuclear arsenal, when all hell breaks loose. Flashing sirens and bells alert the men that it's time to launch some rockets (thank you Nick Cage! bad movie line from Con Air.... tons within that piece of shit by the way)! In order to successfully launch a nuclear weapon (this information has been gleaned from countless years of acting), two men must simultaneously turn an ignition key to effect the start of World War 3. At the moment of truth the elder silo occupant is having second thoughts about bringing about the end of the world... of course the younger douche bag is all to happy to accomodate his superiors. The young man in this instance is Michael Madsen, appearing in his first ever Hollywood feature. He draws his side arm and levels at his partner while announcing..."Turn your key sir! Turn your missile key now sir!" Brilliance.... it's no wonder Madsen has achieved such greatness.
"How about I take you home and eat your pussy?"
Shark Attack III - Megaladon
This movie is so bad, I'm still shocked I wasn't in it. Imagine the movie Jaws, if you will, without the story, plot, direction, cinematography, special effects (yes I know, this film arrived some 20 years later and still can't compete in this department) and most importantly, actors. The writing is horrible. The actors are worse. Put them together.... and magic. Essentially a resort community is under seige by a prehistoric shark called a Megaladon and it is up to a local sheriff (heard that one before, god speed Roy), an old asshole in a wet-suit that drives a submarine, and some whore who fancies herself a National Geographic Reporter. The trio join forces, but it's the duo of the sheriff and whore that bring us bad movie gold. A relationship that has been brewing for close to 60 minutes is finally consummated on the wings of a pick-up line, so out of line, I doubt even a sexual ninja such as myself could pull it off. The sheriff announces "How about I take you home and I eat your pussy?" Now on planet earth, such a question would be followed up with a slap across the face, and a strike to the groin.... but not in the world of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. A pussy is in fact dined upon (actually we are expected to suspend disbelief here as this bad movie line is followed by one of the most tepid love scenes I have ever witnessed). Let's be honest here, you pull off a gem like that, the only thing that should follow is non-stop, hardcore sex, with farm tools, pirates, and a wheel barrow full of STP High Viscosity Motor Oil.... and a wet-nap.
"This is my church."
Some Kind of Wonderful
Before he made the transition to cool, Jesus-looking, drug dealer, Eric Stolz was often cast as the geek, or social outcast in films. In Some Kind of Wonderful, he played... an asshole for lack of better description, who was in love with the hottest chick in school, and decided to use his artistic prowess to paint a picture of her.... and upon her viewing of it her panties would disintegrate and her vagina would jump directly on to his orange speckled, alabaster meat sword. His best friend is also an artistic asshole, a musician, and she is madly in love with Stolz.... but the dumb cunt never speaks up.... so no penis for you. I digress. This movie is a painful piece of shit, and should of been titled Some Kind of Awful, but the final moments of the film, Stolz delivers this award winning line. Walking through a museum with the hot chick at school late at night (this is step one of the panties removal plan) and while tourning the moonlit art, he utters to her "This is my church." It still sends chills up my spine, and through my hair implants.
March 07, 2008
REVIEW: Deadly Target
In 1994 a movie called Deadly Target hit the shelves, from PM studios and they provided us with such fun movies as Cyber Tracker, Out For Blood, The Sweeper, Last Man Standing, Cyber Tracker 2, Recoil and Rage. The movies from this group were always bad but the movies I listed were all fun-bad entertainment that I'm proud to acknowledge to own all on DVD.
But having Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Jeff Wincott, Lorenzo Lamas, C. Thomas Howell, Michael Madsen and Gary Daniels under contract while sometimes was a stroke of genius. (Seriously I really do admit that I own the movies I listed above) We did get movies like Deadly Target which was a rip off to the letter. Indeed this movie was second rate all the way stuff and instead of reviewing it i'm just going to list the rip offs I noted.
Steal from Showdown In Little Tokyo-Gary Daniels (The Bruce Li of Dolph Lundgren who is at least better than Frank Zagarino the Bruce Le of Dolph Lundgren clones) wears a black leather jacket, while Ken MacLeod wears exactly the same style of clothes Brandon Lee does. Also it's noted that Gary Daniels is from Hong Kong and MacLeod is a valley dude who then team up to take out the triads who are pushing drugs also the main bad guy is responsible for the death of one of Daniels' loved ones which is exactly like Dolph Lundgren's character.
Steal from Red Heat- After capturing the main bad guy for Gary Daniels to take back to the airport, we are given a break out attempt that leads to the death of MacLeod's partner and a group of cops.
Steal From Year Of The Dragon-The plot surfaces around bad guy Byron Mann's attempt to become the kingpin of the L.A drugtrade with his youthful gang, while the asian mobsters want to run it with "honor"
Steal from Stone Cold-Gary Daniels and Ken MacLeod thwart a terrorist attack in a court, just like Brian Bosworth did in Stone Cold, except they weren't bikers this time.
Steal from Tango and Cash-In Tango and Cash, Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell come up with ways to torture said bad guy into talking, because they don't kill him, it comes back to haunt them. Same thing here, though the torture method is different.
Steal from Double Impact- The climax takes place with Gary Daniels and Ken MacLeod trying to rescue Daniels' new girlfriend on a ship, just like in Double Impact.
Steal from American Ninja-At the end, Gary Daniels' girlfriend is aboard a helicopter, who after an escape, Ken MacCleord blows up said helicopter (Like Steve James did in American Ninja.)
Of course there are probably much more, these were the ones though that stuck out the most. Gary Daniels' martial arts sequences are only average and the shootouts and car explosions are too stupid to really enjoy. Ken Macleod and Gary Daniels put in really wooden performances but are at least better than the Asian love interest for Daniels. Uh Byron Mann is an okay villain though he hardly poses much of a threat, what it needed was Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa or John Lone.
Also the film opens with Gary Daniels stumbling onto two gay men making out, which frankly is uh, I guess novel. Also Daniels is hit on by a man in a coffee shop, and the fact that despite Daniels' love interest we never see her in tight jeans, in her panties (god forbid she gets naked.) which I found strange, until I realized this was directed by a woman.
Also the film features some would be comic relief which basically add up to only mildly amusing at best. Overall Deadly Target is pretty lame, a rip off action flick without a soul of its own. Indeed, I expected better from the Bruce Li of Dolph Lundgrens.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
February 22, 2008
REVIEW: Halloween
Sometimes words utterly fail me. Sometimes just sometimes you watch take place what is one of the worst ideas ever and you watch in horror as you witness a 2 hour attack on one of your favorite horror movies of all time. Indeed this is the only horror delivered in this complete fiasco. Halloween as directed by Rob Zombie sports some of the lamest ideas, (and I mean to the tenth power) I give credit for trying something new with a remake but I detract said credit by just how bad Zombie does it.
Rob Zombie's big touch here is that we learn Michael Myers was a serial killer in the making. He carved up animals and even killed bullies but we find out why he does so. It's because his white trash family is abusing him mentally. You see his mother is a stripper (And call me crazy but Shari Moon Zombie is hot, but then again i've always been attracted to insane women) and although she loves him she's not home enough. Michael's stepdad is an alcoholic loudmouth who constantly makes fun of Michael's creativity calling it "Faggotity" and his sister promises to take him trick or treating but instead decides to shack up with her greasy boyfriend. The only family member Michael likes is his mom and his little sister Laurie so after not getting to go trick or treating he proceeds to kill his stepdad, his older sister and her boyfriend and then takes the baby Laurie out of the house, to which one figures that had he not killed said family he would've started molesting his younger sister as soon as she got older. (Seriously Zombie's new version gives this vibe off a lot, I mean Michael only tries to escape the mental home after being asked to partake in a rape of a female patient, to which he resists and then goes to town to find his sister.) If not him, then certainly the stepdad, I mean geez nothing is above trailer trash stepdads.
However back to the movie we get Malcolm McDowell as the sympathetic Dr. Loomis who stops seeing Michael because he deems it that Michael is unreachable and so he writes a book about it. We also get Brad Dourif as the sheriff in the town who helps McDowell track the newly escaped Michael Myers down. The worst part of this movie is that Rob Zombie uses no subtleness to his monster. John Carpenter made Michael Myers memorable because we didn't know why he was so evil.
Let me ask you a question, what is scarier? A kid who kills his sister despite a normal upbringing, or a children driven to slaughter because his mom was busy stripping and his stepdad was a drunk? I mean what is more interesting? Psychos in films like this are only as good as the set up of the psychology that the director sets up. Silent Night, Deadly Night's mean spirited traumatization of a child witnessing his mother and father murdered by a guy dressed as Santa was interesting because that exploitation pulled no punches. Here though Zombie offers up a laughable pretense to obviously sway the audience. In the Halloween the best of these slasher pics, Michael Myers was given a brief beginning of a boy who was a cold hearted bastard who just liked to kill. Like a movie like the excellent Hitcher (the 80s one, the remake blows too and i'll review it soon as well.), it's always more frightening or scary when the killer is given no motivation and it becomes fascinating as we want to learn why the bad guy is doing this.
However when Zombie spoils it, there is no surprise or suspense to it. Actually his beginning sequences setting up the situation is actually the best thing about it (which frankly isn't saying much) as when Zombie gets Michael Myers killing the good people of Haddonfield such sequences are so long and drawn out you keep wondering when Zombie is going to finally get it over with and kill said character off and not in a good way, more like "alright let's go already" Also because there is no plausibility set up, we figure Michael Myers has a pyschic link to his sister Laurie as he finds her despite the fact that only the sheriff and the Strodes are the only ones who know that Laurie moved in with them. How Michael finds out is never explained, he just knows. He also knows where Laurie's friends are without any information. Sure it could be argued Michael was stalking but how can you stalk two people at the same time, watch one person who is like 5 houses away and then somehow teleport in time to watch another person going into 6 houses away from your sister, while of course keeping an eye on your sister and such. Once again it's probably because Michael is psychic because there is literally no logical explanation. (In the original, you had the benefit of seeing the stalking scenes so you saw Michael see which houses everyone was going into)
Of course then we have the escape from the mental home, Malcolm McDowell (In the great Donald Pleasance's shoes) and Brad Dourif after Michael Myers and scenes of them driving around, that McDowell and Dourif don't know where Michael Myers is headed despite the fact that McDowell should've told Dourif earlier to get ready for Michael, or that he's after his sister or what not is a great example of lethally bad scripting.
That none of the characters have depth is even worse since Zombie labors to set up Michael Myers as sympathetic with a tragic past. Malcolm McDowell's Dr. Loomis is no longer a tight lipped and obsessed madman who knows what Michael Myers is capable of is now a caring shrink who wants to help and seems to care for Michael Myers. When the main selling point of Halloween was that Michael Myers was so evil that even his shrink cited him as the most evil thing ever, such a change is horrible indeed. Plus how many times have we seen psychologists have sympathy for their patients as opposed to citing them as "just plain evil" McDowell tries his best and McDowell is a great actor. Problem is that his character is written as boring and wimpy leaving no room for McDowell to do anything with such. Brad Dourif is another great actor but is so underwritten and played as such a sympathetic and scared wimp we lose any sense of how relentless such two people should be to bring in a mad dog killer. As Laurie we have Scout Taylor-Compton who is hot and is nowhere near the normalness represented by Jamie Lee Curtis (Who for the record was hot back in the day as well.) Compton isn't bad in the role, I mean she even handles some of the lines okay, problem is, is that the 18 year old actress comes off as too hot for the part. I mean when she says she doesn't have a boyfriend, one is unconvinced since , I mean look at her, if this Laurie Strode went to my high school, she would've been the prom queen, and I would've been the awkward kickboxing tough guy making obnoxious advances and being told we should be just friends, but enough about my pitiful high school days, for a girl like Laurie to indeed be an everyday girl, one must note a lack of high maintence and such down to earthiness that is lacking. Compton tries but she looks too much like a model at times.
Last but not least is that Zombie pretty much removes anything from the original that worked so great. The music score is lacking, the basic plausibility is not there, Michael Myers is now a troubled pyscho and Laurie is a high maintence beauty queen and worst of all Dr. Loomis is sympathetic to Michael Myers and his killing disease. In other words why this movie is such a failure is that Zombie indentifies with the killer so much that he labors to make him sympathetic but then tries to have his cake and eat it too by having us afraid of him as well. It doesn't work and really it's one of the most misguided remakes i've seen in a long time.
Is it worth seeing? Not really. Especially if you've seen the original. I mean this movie isn't demented, scary or all that entertaining. It's all pretty lame and Zombie has an obsession with Jerry Springer like antics and frankly such doesn't mix with Halloween. The movie though is completely redundant and dull. So unless you go in wanting to see Shari Moon Zombie do a striptease or stare at Scout Tyler-Compton for two hours there you go.
I personally recommend revisiting Halloween 1, where this thing is done extremely well. Where Michael Myers was scary, Dr. Loomis was just as entertaining and suspense was actually there. Plus Jamie Lee Curtis while out of my (and yours) league still had the acting chops to convince you that she was a regular teenager and not a high maintence beauty queen. Plus at the time Jamie Lee Curtis was hot and seemed down to earth enough to settle for a guy 4 or 5 camps beneath her league. Now that's the kind of woman I like.
Hamlin Grade: 3
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
February 20, 2008
REVIEW: Plato's Run
Frankly i'm surprised this isn't as highly regarded as Executive Target, in that the movie is about the same (though at least there is more to laugh at here.) and it features Gary Busey as the hero (named Plato!), Steven Bauer (Remember Scarface?) as Busey's sidekick and Jeff Speakman (Come on you know you loved The Perfect Weapon!) as the karate expert who saves Busey and Bauer when the going gets rough. Indeed given the look of who they cast one is almost sure they wanted Dolph Lundgren in Busey's role and Lorenzo Lamas in Bauer's role, this would've of course been a legendary bad movie. However we instead of the team up of the century we got Busey, Bauer and Speakman joining forces to bring down a cuban druglord played by Roy Scheider. (You just have to love the guy, especially when Scheider looks about as cuban as Gary Busey.) I want to first get off my chest that Roy Scheider gets the Ironside agenda because his character is so cheesy and hilarious, and it's because Scheider puts in so much hamminess that it becomes the best thing about the picture.
As for this movie, oh boy, where do I start? Gary Busey looks noticably overweight in this movie. I mean the man wears Hawaiian shirts and all kinds of baggy stuff to hide the fact that time has caught up with the man. There is still no doubt my mind that Busey in real life could kick lots of people's asses as he even stood his ground against Seagal, to which Seagal backed down, and of course the fact that Busey has biker connections which would indicate he's a tough mother but let's face it, as a hero with a hot teenage daughter no less (What did he become a father at 50?) he is out of his element. I would've figured they would've cast Speakman in such a role but that was until I saw the guy as well. Dear god, I know you're the perfect weapon and Expert, but it's obvious the only perfect weapon you've become the expert on is that of an all you can eat buffet. I mean the man looks puffy, bloated and rivals Busey in beer belly stakes.
Steven Bauer looks about the same as he did in Scarface, though his acting talent is wasted on a sidekick role, plus with no martial arts ability, he just basically shoots guns and makes wisecracks. He comes off the best of three only by the default that he is the most convincing because he doesn't sport such a belly. Also is it just me or wouldn't make more sense to cast Bauer as the cuban bad guy? I mean after all Speakman, Busey and Scheider could pass as soldiers of fortune (the former who just ate too many ham snadwiches) I mean who cast this thing?
The movie is basically about Busey's daughter being kidnapped and him, Bauer and Speakman going after the Cuban gangsters who did it, and that leads us to a sequence where Bauer and Busey have to walk through a mindfield as Scheider cackles the whole time. It's a movie full of camp, (You just have to see Busey and Speakman do fight scenes despite their guts) mis-casting and ridiculousness. In other words a great night for those who love something hilarious to laugh at.
Hamlin Grade: 5.5
Ryan
-Board certified professional safety dancer
February 19, 2008
REVIEW: Dragon Wars - D-War
Dragon Wars - D-War is a prototypical example of a film that embraces the CGI era we now live in. Like many of it's predecessors, Dragon Wars - D-War is loaded with ridiculous special effects.... and little else. Story, plot, direction, acting, or actors themselves rather, are nowhere to be found in this bad movie.
Dragon Wars - D-War as I did state above is blessed with some terrific computer graphic special effects. For most of the film a giant cobra terrorizes Los Angeles as it chases a pair of young adults. In fact the movie's only focus was this serpent, and it's army of followers, which consisted of a wide variety of dinosaurs with missile launchers attached to their asses. Now as off the wall as all of this sounds it actually does look pretty sweet. The sweet however ends there.... unless you are a fellow connoisseur of the bad movie.
At some point during the production one animator must have turned to another animator and said "Hey what actor's are starring in this?", to which the other most certainly responded..."Holy shit! There are actors in this?" I did recognize some old dude in the beginning of this (who set up the story through some very drawn out narration... sadly his explanation as to why I was watching this movie did little to clear things up) but after that the cast is essentially as famous as my mailman..... but without the same level of talent. The cops in this movie are terrific, and I mean that they are brilliantly awful actors. There is one scene in particular when the cops, and the chick are driving in their SUV in an attempt to evade the serpent chasing them.... the guy driving the car is expressionless while his passengers are screaming their heads off..... the director forgot to tell him to act I guess.
The most unusual thing about this movie is the title. Dragon Wars - D-War ? What the fuck is D- War? Dragon Wars I kind of get, except for one thing. There are no dragons in this movie till the final moments of the movie, and there is only one. Granted it's pretty cool, but if you were going to call your movie Dragon Wars, wouldn't you pack it full of them? And seriously.... what the fuck does D-War mean?
Dragon Wars - D-War is actually a pretty decent bad movie. The bad acting is amazingly bad, and the special effects are amazingly good. This film will be one of many that footnote this decade as a time when producers spent their entire budgets on CGI, and payed everyone else involved with their feature in kind words.... or a diet coke.
Hamlin Grade: 5
Timothy Dalton is the one true James Bond,
pat
